294 - Why Thinking About Death Helps Us Live More Fully

Through the death of my mom, a big breakup at the beginning of the year, the beginning of my first relationship with a woman, and other shifts happening in my world, I've been thinking a whole lot more about the themes of relationships, death, impermanence, and presence. 

Today we're talking about how experiencing loss can lead to a deeper appreciation of the relationships we have and how it can help us to pay closer attention to what we're doing and how we're living.

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The music for this episode is Threads by The Light Meeting.
Produced by: Grey Tanner

Transcript

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (00:00.696)
Hello podcast friends. I am so excited to be here with you because we're gonna talk about making out with my girlfriend. Okay, true story. That is actually what we're gonna talk about and how that relates to attention. Here it comes. So as you know, if you've been here for a second, maybe you followed my relationship journey. Yes, this podcast is about yoga. And it's about how are we strong in our lives? How do we pay attention?

And how that touches every single part of everything we do, like truly. Yoga being the practice of paying attention means that we're showing up in our whole damn lives, right? And I navigated, you know, this, the end of the last year, so a year ago was my first Christmas without my mom, because my mom passed suddenly and unexpectedly like a year ago. And then I went through a breakup with somebody that I had been with for four years.

And then now I have started dating somebody new. It happens to be the woman, has to be the first relationship with a woman that I have had. I am in all the new relationship energy, even though her and I have known each other for like six years, which actually brings a different texture to it. while this is not an episode where I'm gonna dive into...

What is it like to date a woman and to date somebody who's been a friend and all the navigation of those things? I would like to talk about death and presence and detention. And relationships are really good ways for us to explore those things. Of course, the relationship with ourselves, 100%. And when it comes to talking about death though, I want to bring you a little bit into my world.

So because my mom died a year ago, it has made me automatically think about death a whole lot more. And really gave me the opportunity to have that be front and center. there's a lot of different beliefs around around meditating on death and on impermanence.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (02:24.294)
and how when we stay connected to that, when we stay connected to the truth that we're all gonna kick the bucket, right? We're all gonna die. That there's a sort of freedom in it and also a, like a kick in the ass because what are we waiting for, right? And how are we showing up?

So when my mom died, it definitely has been a reclamation, a rebirth for me. And one of the things that has come up without us saying it ahead of time is that when my girlfriend and I are saying goodbye to each other, because we don't live together, but we might spend a handful of days together and then spend them apart and we have this flow back and forth, we're not.

I'm going dive into all things relationship here at this moment. But when we're saying goodbye, it is sometimes more difficult than other times. And what has really come from our experience of learning how to flow with each other and leave each other and then come back together and the rituals of those things is

how both of us now we've had these conversations now but both of us actually would be saying goodbye and then get flooded with this question or this idea of what if this is the last time I see this person? What if this person dies on their way home, on their way back to wherever they're going and this is the last time I ever get to see them? So it is this

a realization of death that's really present. And I share this not as a way to be morbid, right? But truly just honest. And it makes me almost think back to kind of my upbringing as, you know, in Mormon days. And not that it's specifically said, but when you get married to the Mormon church, you're married for time and all eternity. And

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (04:49.48)
divorce is not really spoken about. And then there's like a good handful of people who think that if you talk about divorce, then that means you're going to get divorced. But there's something about it that's really healthy to me of we are choosing this and we actually can decide not to choose this and to acknowledge that it's even a possibility that people don't stay so that it's a reminder that we are staying, that we do want this.

And so to loop that to now and present is this meditation that we are going to die and everybody is going to leave us and we are always only going to be left with ourselves. This is so deeply rooted in myself that this is where I, this is the idea of hand to heart. Like my hand is on my heart. Maybe if you want to put your hand on your heart for a moment and then I'll pat my chest with my fingers.

And it's like this reminder, like this tactile feedback of my hand is on my heart, is on my own body. I am right here. Stay here. I am right here. My kids, they're going to leave. They're going to leave home. They're going to have different things that they do. I don't know, I don't know if my kids will die before me or after me, right? Relationships will end. People will move. People will die. Then eventually I will die. Right. And in all of this, everybody

Everybody's gonna leave us and we're always left with our own head and with our own heart So we're trying to build this home in ourselves, right? So keeping that present and our lives at the forefront of our brain and in a far front of our heart is Helpful it's helpful in the way that we pay attention. It's helpful in the way we show up in the room like we give a shit Because it's all gonna leave

So if you're choosing to stand in this room and if you're choosing to stand with this person, then make it worth it. And here I am making out with my girlfriend. Love making out with her and thinking about death and to come to find out that she's also thinking about death. We're both thinking at the same time, my gosh, what if this is the last time that I get to be with this person and they drive away.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (07:09.006)
And that is the end. And the next time I see them, they're dead. Now, I buried my mom last year and my mom was here last year. She came out in the summertime. We didn't went to the ocean. We had a whole family adventure. And I can see her car driving away down the driveway with my dad where I said goodbye to her for the last time. I hugged her and kissed her and said goodbye for the last time. This is not like...

This is just how it is for all of us. And we don't know when that's going to be.

We don't know who we're gonna interact with that maybe were the last interaction that they've ever had. There's a poem, I wish I had it right now in front of me, but there's a poem by Ellen Bass that kind of talks about this and in like this, how we really don't know who in front of us is like the, the last interaction with them. And how does that change us? When we keep that the forefront of our mind, how do we show up?

How does it change the way that we pay attention and we listen and we share? So as I'm sitting in my girlfriend, you know, out the door and kissing her and thinking about how she might die. And it's in my head to say like, in my head, I'm going through these different thoughts and different words. And I'm thinking like, she knows that I love her.

She knows that I love her. She's gonna go out the door and knows that I love her so that in a moment when she's, if something happens, like I showed up in a way and it's not unlike my children, right? It's not unlike anybody that we love and care about. But to say goodbye like we mean it, how do we say goodbye like it might be the last time? You don't know, if you're a teacher, you don't know if a student, come into your, it comes into your room, like are they gonna leave?

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (09:20.704)
and not come back and whether or not they die, do they leave feeling seen cared for, loved, like it was important that they were there, right? Because we can't teach, we can't show up in a room and lead without them there, without students there. And they show up because there's somebody there at the front of the room that's like, I'll tell you what to do today. You got to lay it down.

you gotta lay it down.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (09:51.718)
And so here in this, as I'm recording this, the end of 2025. We're at this, we're just over winter solstice. We're heading towards the light. We're going to step into the year of the horse after being the year of the snake. And we're ready for some new things. And I hope that one of those things, not just for myself, but for us,

as a collective, because I think if you're listening to this, then maybe this affects you in your relationship with your kids or with a lover or with a family member or with a stranger. And maybe that ripple effect is that person that you interact with then shows up for somebody else in that way. Or maybe you share this podcast and it ripples out. How do we show up like it matters? How can we show up like we give a fuck because tomorrow we might die.

The person across from us might be the last person that gives us this deep hug and looks into our eyes.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (10:59.298)
I read an email from a woman who owns the studio that I rent and teach out of in Portland. And she was talking about her two-year-old daughter in this email. And I told this story last night as I was teaching yoga. And her daughter was not quite too young, climbed on her lap and put her hands on either side of her mom's face.

and stared at her eyes to eyes and just looked and didn't say anything and just looked.

hands to face, eyes to eyes. And after a little bit, as she's looking at her mom, not even two, she says, wow.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (12:01.464)
think that's it. I think that's what this is about. Can we look at each other and just say, wow, can we kiss each other like it might be the last time that we kiss each other? Sometimes we don't know when the last time is going to be. That changes the way we pay attention. It changes the way we live. It makes everything deeper.

It makes us realize that what we're choosing is important and that we don't have to choose to be where we are right now. Like you don't have to be where you are right now. You can choose something different. And might that be a little tricky? Maybe. But is it possible? Yeah.

and

Wow.

You are here.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (13:04.811)
You are here.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (13:11.392)
And even if you and I in this moment cannot see each other's eyes.

And even if I'm recording this before you're hearing it in some way also, we're both right here.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (13:29.71)
And here you are.

Bonnie Weeks (she/her) (13:33.869)
Wow.

Wow, what a gift to be alive here in this lifetime together. It is an honor. Thank you for walking with me as we all build a home in our own heart.