264 - Spiritual Homecoming as Self-Care

I'm in the process of a spiritual homecoming and it's got me reflecting a lot--on self-awareness, change and personal growth, and creating space for the kind of honesty and self-care that supports it all. i'm reminded of how we are here to be awake to our lives and, if we want to be leaders and caretakers, we have to give to ourselves so we can give to others. 

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The music for this episode is Threads by The Light Meeting.
Produced by: Grey Tanner

Transcript

Bonnie (00:01.614)
Hello, my love. Thank you for joining me on this fine day.

And I want to give you today.

the way that I have been called into attention to my own life, my own heart, and my own self-awareness. I just want to share with you today.

And I do want to give you an ask first. And the ask is very much podcast related in that I was looking at some reviews of the podcast and some words, some kind words that people shared and it's been a second. And I know that y'all are listening to this podcast and I'm hearing from you and private messages and it's deeply meaningful. So I'm gonna say thank you for that.

going to put myself out there and say, and will you share this as a public review and say a couple things about how any of the podcasts have landed for you, how this podcast, Yoga Strong lands for you in general and how it is supported your journey and knowing that when you do that, other people are able to find perhaps some support here too. So that first. So thank you. Thank you for your time.

Bonnie (01:35.03)
in doing that, it is deeply meaningful to me.

Bonnie (01:43.946)
I have been.

What have I been in? I have been deeply swallowed.

Bonnie (02:00.834)
in this past.

Week and a two weeks, I don't know, somewhere in there. Deeply swallowed, but especially this last week as I'm recording this. And swallowed in the sense that I have gone through a personal emotional journey, the content of which and the slant of which is not what I'm going to talk about today. And I'm sure there will be a time that I will, but at this current moment, that's not the thing that

is necessary or needs to be shared while of course it could be and I share a lot of stories here and will continue to. You know part of my intention always is to share stories that I feel like I have processed enough that I can hold a response to them and that I stand in my decision of the of the

the unfolding or that I am not asking for any emotional holding at all. And if I am, then the people that I'm asking will know that I am asking for emotional holding and I will say something to that effect. And when I show up here and story share or share different ideas or ways of being or like my own journey in the process of becoming.

that I am not showing up here to with any expectation that you are here to hold me but perhaps that in my sharing I can free myself and that in my sharing you might find some freedom to free yourself and that we get to hold each other at that and that there are

Bonnie (04:03.77)
parts of wisdom and benefit in our story sharing and in our lesson sharing. mean, that's why I believe in, so I believe in what I'm doing here. That's why I'm showing up on this podcast. That's why it matters. It frees you and it frees me in my story sharing. The same as it frees you and it frees me in your story sharing.

So this past week I've been in deep. I do not remember, you know, like I'm gonna say it this way and I don't know if it's true or not. I feel like I don't remember a time when I've really felt the emotional burying that I have felt this past week. And I actually mean like the emotional burying and then unearthing and then carving open.

and then laying bare.

That's what I mean.

Bonnie (05:07.724)
That's what I mean by swallowed. And what it has deeply given me, if you've ever been in a situation where you feel big emotion and have to process change and grief and love and...

transformation and your part in the story and unknowns and all of the things. think these sorts of themes are a common thing as humans, right? And really, you know, I thought, maybe I'm gonna show up today, I have a couple yoga things to talk about. It's like, no, this is exactly where I am. And...

Bonnie (06:02.746)
I think what I need to share with you today is about what this process is giving me right now. And that is that I...

truly had some days this last week. One day in particular, like I just

Bonnie (06:24.794)
I was a lump. I was. I was.

I not to have a panic attack. I spend a lot of time crying. I was verbally processing, very much not clearly, very much in like, stop the pain sort of experience. And all of those things.

Bonnie (07:00.97)
are not very comfortable.

They're not very comfortable. And I have deeply been given the gift to see myself.

I have been given the gift to see myself and it is not always very easy to see yourself. It is not easy to see the ways that you have impacted others. It's not easy to see the ways that maybe you have forgotten how to take care of your own heart and to sit with yourself and to sit with enough confidence that what you want and what you need

are worth standing in yourself for.

Bonnie (07:51.738)
And that even if it requires change, and even if that change is uncomfortable, and even if the change is unknown as you move forward, that you can find ease in it.

Bonnie (08:13.336)
And I have felt this large homecoming to myself. And I would truly call it a spiritual homecoming. And that is where I'm at at this very moment. I am in a spiritual homecoming to myself. And you know, I saw this Instagram post from somebody saying,

you know, like take a look at yourself. Like how are you holding yourself? How are you showing up in the world? And how is that being impacted by your own care of your own self? And I'm not here to like preach self care in any particular sort of way. Like that's not even a word that I want to talk about right now. It's more about, because I think self care like totally bypasses the idea of like sitting with who the fuck you are.

and being brave enough to be honest. And y'all, like, we could talk about that phrase for a long, long time, basically our whole lives. Can you be brave enough to be honest? And you know, I was talking with a teacher today on an hour mentorship call and how they are done teaching at a particular place and they've been done and they're so done, like so done.

and to listen to her in that and also her desire to want to show up for a team, but also being done teaching the students even though she's gonna miss the students, but like she's so done, she's so ready for something else. She grew to the capacity that she could in that space and now there's something else, but how...

It is hard to let go and hard to own what it is you want and hard to have the honest conversation of like, this isn't where I want to be anymore. I want to be somewhere else. And the discomfort that that is, y'all, like it is so uncomfortable to own sometimes the ways we want to move, the change we want to make, the choices that stand in front of us that we have to look at.

Bonnie (10:34.498)
and the person that you get to look at you in the mirror to say like, this person has walked me to this place. What about this person that I have become needs to remain with me to walk forward? And what if this person that I become, do I get to learn lessons from? And that I have some parts of me that perhaps I need to set down and perhaps I need to refine and perhaps I need to own the hell out of more. What parts of me have I forgotten to claim?

And how can I be really honest about that? And sometimes that middle part where you're really honest is the messiest part. It's maybe the most emotional, emotional as in anger or grief or loss, right? Grief, loss, there's a combo there. Or

and about people or about circumstances or about future or all these things. And maybe also that's about like who you thought you were or who you thought you were becoming. And you get to like see all of that in the honesty. And so this is really all about a spiritual homecoming by being really honest.

and really showing up in the integrity of like, the fuck are you?

And who do you want to be? And who do you want to be known as? What do you stand in?

Bonnie (12:12.794)
And I was listening to this meditation by Sarah Blondin and she talks about like, what is that truth in the center of you? What's the thing that you stand for that's like right inside of you? And how can you name it? And for me, every time she gets to that part in this meditation, I'm like, I'm love. It is love. And then she asks you to name it. She says, open the door.

open the door to that thing, open the window to that thing, open it up

Bonnie (12:48.31)
and how sometimes we can so tightly grasp an idea. And sometimes that is the right thing for right now. And then sometimes the thing that's right right now is different than the thing that was right right now three days ago. And you're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to change your mind. Change your mind. Create a different opinion. When you have more information, you can move differently.

It doesn't mean you lied, it just means that you have more information. It means that you have something else that you want and you're allowed to move. And if you're here with me now, you're probably a mover in some way. And when I worked with the team and build this team and I would have these team meetings and I would always tell them, I said, I trust that if you are here, that you want to be here. And that if there is somewhere else for you to be,

that you will let me know and I will be stoked for you. I'm here to champion your movement. Of course these people are movers. These people are our trainers and teachers and so they're movers like they're literally teaching movement but also like we're movers like we're gonna move to the places and we're gonna try to tune into our bodies and our heads and our hearts and say where do I need to be? Who do I need to be?

Who is the person that I need to grow into? What parts of me have I forgotten to look at? How do I sit in my own soul and not attach my value or worth to any people, any lovers, any partners, any friends?

any titles.

Bonnie (14:47.482)
How do I find the value in my sitting as me?

Bonnie (14:56.258)
It is not small, my friends. It is not small.

Bonnie (15:02.358)
This is about the sacred self and you know, coming from a background of Mormonism and a lot of churchy sort of words, the word sacred has become a word that I've been able to bring back in my vocabulary that has a different meaning than my upbringing, right? And the sacredness of self, this like self that is paying attention, is awake.

this self that exists right now and I'm going to die and my mom died and I'm going to exist in some other way then and that there was life on this earth like so long ago and that when I die there is going to continue to be life on this earth for so long like so long after this.

like so long after this.

And all of this can make me feel very small and my issues or problem solving seem insignificant. And also that it's fucking sacred. Like that I even get to exist. That I have this brain that can think and this heart that can feel. And I have the availability to look inside myself and to envision peace.

and to not apologize.

Bonnie (16:49.516)
My invitation for you today is for you to be really honest about the time you make for you.

Bonnie (17:03.878)
And I mean, you're in a room with the door closed. You do not have to hold your body in any shape except for the ones that you want. You exist there however you want to and you get to sit with yourself. And perhaps you do things there

that are just for your own experience. And I'm not talking about masturbating. I'm not talking about how you like have to do something sexy in the mirror. Can it mean that? Yeah. But I actually mean that we all show up

and are seen by people all the time. And as somebody who lives with people, as somebody who works from my own home, as somebody, as like a parent, right? Like I get it, there's like people around and creating space to say like, I'm gonna be in this room and I'm gonna make the space for myself to do this and maybe it's getting up early and maybe it's staying up really late. And last night I was up really late and...

I decided like I don't really have like a full moon ritual or whatever. And again, like to go back to my Mormon-ness and my like highly religious upbringing. Like I believed things that are, I believed a lot of different sort of things in this kind of spiritual slant of a realm in Mormon-ness. And so having left that and then having to redefine words and reclaim

what I might believe in where science meets woo, where science meets like the unknown and the energy and spirit of like the way that it feels when you meet somebody and they're your people and you instantly feel it and you're like, okay, now I know this person for life. Like we're friends, like we're best friends, right? You can feel that or when you get and you meet somebody, you're like this, it's not this, it's not this. There's a feeling to that.

Bonnie (19:18.422)
Nobody is even necessarily saying anything, but there's a feeling to it or the feeling you get when you're outside and you're somewhere really green. And it's been a long time since you've been somewhere really green and it's so fresh and you breathe and it's that smell and it creates this whole sensation in your body.

that there are unexplainable things. And so in that for me is that experience of embracing a little bit of woo and suspending some belief that I know everything. That's ridiculous, right? That I would know everything. So it's to suspend the belief that I might know everything and the way that everything works, which is ridiculous, right? So holding a bit of mysticism and saying, I don't know all the things.

But I'm here and I'm alive and I am breathing and that this self, that this self, this sacred self gets to have an experience of being here.

Bonnie (20:30.074)
And so my encouragement for you is to make time for yourself. And last night it was a full moon. And I was like, you know what? I don't do things like always on a full moon, but this season, this past week has been big. And last night I was like, you know what? I'm gonna do something. And I have a couple of friends who light a lot of candles and I bought some tea candles recently and.

I have been using a lot of body oil this past year, and there's something about touching yourself with body oil, especially if touching yourself, like literally just like rubbing massage oil, like body oil on your shoulders and on your arms, like just literally on your skin. This is again, not touching yourself sexually. Of course, anything can be taken that way, and I'm totally all for that, but I'm just literally meaning like to touch your skin with your own hands, right? They had some body oil.

I had some candles, I had some cards and I have found the deck recently called the Medicine Heart Oracle deck and it's really beautiful. And the person who created her name is Alana Fairchild, if you want to look that up. Again, the Medicine Heart Oracle by Alana Fairchild and pass that on as just like it's been a gift to me. And I had some music on, I use a

He gives my playlist for Shavasana for teaching yoga classes. And I was listening to that and I had this whole time. That's probably there for like an hour. I had no timeframe and I let myself do whatever I wanted, but it wasn't just to read a book and it wasn't just to masturbate and it wasn't, it wasn't

for any of those specific things and I like those things, but it felt like this sort of ritual and time where I was like, I'm gonna be here with myself and create this moment. And that in our process of self-discovery, and to me, yoga is this practice of paying attention, right?

Bonnie (22:50.028)
and how we are with ourselves. If we want to show up and be the leaders that create impact. If we want to show up and be the kind of people that others feel like they can show up with and they don't have to hold us because we're like in our feet. We're in our feet to our head and we're standing there and we're not apologizing for who we are. And we're willing to look at ourselves and look at the hard parts of ourselves.

and say it's okay for me to want things, it's okay for me to change things, it's okay for me to claim myself, it's okay for me to love so big that it busts me wide open. There's a different place that you can lead from. And I truly believe that if we want to move others and really bring like this biggest impact we can,

It requires more of each of us to be tapped into more of ourselves. It requires a spiritual homecoming. And I put the word spiritual on it because like, this is your spirit. This is your like life. This is like your aliveness. This is your aliveness homecoming. don't have use the word spiritual. Like I'm going to be alive. This is your awake time. This is your awake time. And at the beginning of this year as we're here, like,

It's time to be awake. And if I want everything that I touch to have a grounded freedom, like I have to start with me. I can't build a business. I can't show up with others and give them what I do not have. I can only give what I have.

Bonnie (24:48.26)
So last night I sat with myself and...

Bonnie (24:54.786)
I think this past week of

Bonnie (25:02.17)
connection and breaking open and the way that that has given me opportunities to see myself and the clarity to be able to

show up in my life in a way that I feel really proud of, feels really important right now. And as I continue to move forward with, with I think the loss of my mom and really entering this new season of my kids gradually leaving from my house as my first has left and

understanding like the limited time that we have and how it means both to do the damn thing you want to do that like ready set go and also like it means nothing and the reminder that nobody gives a fuck.

Bonnie (26:08.218)
Like have I stopped podcasting?

Perhaps you would miss me. Perhaps you would miss me after this. And perhaps you would be like, wow, there's no podcast. Like when is Bonnie going to podcast again? Then there's people who have stopped posting on Instagram. I'm like, I what happened to so and so. I wonder where they are in the world. And also like, so maybe you'd care and then also your life would move on. And so if I want to do the thing, like I'm going to do it. And like,

remembering that you're not waiting for me while at the same time you might be enjoying the podcast and we have conversations around it and it's like impacting you and supporting you and it's supporting me to be here. I'm not stopping podcasting like I'm going to show up again. But that

that you have to make the choice. And everybody is worried about making their own choices and claiming their own selves and we can get stuck in this fear pattern that we are responsible for other people. That we are responsible for their joy and that we are responsible for their pain or their discomfort or their growth.

and we are not. We impact each other. This is true.

Bonnie (27:36.602)
but we have to stand in our own feet.

Bonnie (27:42.442)
even when it's uncomfortable. And sometimes that means it gets real soupy. Sometimes that means that you're calling the people that are on your, your list and you're saying like, show up with me. Like I need you right now. And they show the fuck up. And.

help you see parts of yourself.

that maybe you've needed to see and help you hold yourself.

Bonnie (28:15.02)
And now, in this moment, there is a certain sort of freedom that I feel.

doing the work to call myself back into myself, to be witness to the ways that I have become aware of how I just through my own, like sure by feedback, but like just like by my own introspection to be like, this is where, this is where I was clinging. This is where I was grasping. This is where I was afraid to touch. This is what I thought would happen or wouldn't happen. This is what

I mean, fill in the blank and to walk myself through all of that and to get really honest and to make it really vulnerable and vulnerability and honesty and facing scarcity and like the experience of smallness, of feeling really small.

It's kind of part of it. Now this won't be the last time in my life that I feel this way, right? And this won't be the last time in my life that I like, I'm like, okay, here I am. I feel like I've arrived in this very moment in a way, but I know I will arrive at another moment and be like, oh, this is it. Oh, this is it. And I will ride another wave of all the things. And I will again, like, where are my feet? Put my feet back on the ground. Stand myself back up. Hold my own hand to my own fucking heart.

and feel it. This is the homecoming. This is remembering that I am alone and you are alone and that my joy is my responsibility and my peace is my responsibility. The same as you for you.

Bonnie (30:13.15)
and that it is okay to change your mind and it is okay to be honest and it is okay to make time for you.

And I heard a story from my sister this past couple days. I love her. Very grateful for her.

and we were talking about our mom. And my mom for a long time told this story about how you sacrifice for your kids, even if it's not a thing that helps you, like you give for your kids. And we didn't have a lot of money growing up. And my mom tells this story how she didn't buy a new pair of shoes for seven years.

so we could have new shoes. And the reality of it is I probably didn't need all those shoes, you know?

And the way that we spend money on one thing could have been spent another way. That's always the case. Like money is, we all define our own rich life when it comes to money. We all spend our money in different ways. Like one thing that has value to one person has zero value to the other person. They wouldn't even think of buying it, right? So could she have bought new pair of shoes? Yeah, she probably could have, but she didn't. Somewhere in there, she told the story that this is what you do. You don't buy new shoes, you buy your kids new shoes.

Bonnie (31:43.638)
And she tried to give that to me. She tried to give me that lesson and have me hold that same thing. She held it over me when I was leaving the church and going to leave with my kids. And she's like, no, your kids, need to stay in the church. Like I didn't buy a pair of shoes for seven years. I was like, I know that story, mom. I was like, that's not how this goes. And I heard this story this past couple of days from my sister.

since my mom has passed now and she became a different person than that seven year of no new shoes. She became a different person than that. And apparently there has been a receipt found with a pair of pearl earrings.

Bonnie (32:33.978)
and my mom bought herself a $400 pair of pearl earrings.

and makes me cry just thinking about it because she, I have thought of her as a martyr.

And she was, she was, but I am so proud of her. I am so proud of her in these last couple of years of her finding a different voice, of finding her voice and starting to share it in new ways and to own and claim herself in new ways. And she didn't tell anybody about these earrings. Like she could have worn those earrings and we would not know the difference if they were real pearls or if they were like something from whatever.

local grocery store that has a pair of earrings on the side rack, right? We want to the difference maybe that she would know.

Bonnie (33:31.098)
And this is not me saying that we all need to go out and buy $400 pair of earrings, right? But this is me saying that you are worth it to take care of yourself, that you do not have to be the martyr and that in being the martyr, it does not just injure yourself, that you get to hold your own hand to your own heart and come home to yourself.

and that in coming home and building that foundation in you, that is how ease flows through you. That is how you step into the leadership. That is how your leadership has impact.

Bonnie (34:18.2)
That is how you give yourself permission to live a life that is better than you could ever imagine. You have to choose you. You have to choose you even when it gets hard.

Bonnie (34:39.706)
Mm.

Bonnie (34:46.596)
So this all sounds very philosophical because there's not so much specifics of story and that's okay right now. I actually really like using specifics of story and also it's okay that that's not where we're at at this moment. And mostly that I feel so okay with open palm living.

of actually like the vision I see of my heart. I almost like have this like if I close my eyes and I just have this vision of my heart, I can see it's like, it's gonna sound dorky. It's like I can see little sparkles coming out of my heart towards people.

Bonnie (35:39.41)
and not like a straight on rainbow or shaft of light or anything but just like this soft glow that's kind of twinkly that is this open heartedness towards people.

Bonnie (36:00.132)
where I'm not trying to meld myself or be molded into.

I'm not trying to move in any direction that's specific except for being very true to where I am standing.

Bonnie (36:25.771)
There is no gripping.

and there is no need to have to know where I am going. And that's a big one.

and that the decision, right? Because sometimes when we're stuck in decision land and we're in the middle of deciding like, is it this or is it this? And is it this or is it this? And should I do this now or should I do it then? And should I stay here or should I go there? The wrestle of that, the wrestle of that is like so deep and so frustrating and affects your whole body, affects your emotions, affects like...

The way you can show up for yourself affects your gut. It affects like all the things. And so in this moment, I feel really, I felt really grounded in like, actually.

There is nowhere to go. In general, right? Like there can be small things of like, where am gonna host this for, where's gonna the next flow school gonna be and when is it gonna be, right? I have some decisions to make, so sure, this doesn't mean I have all decisions figured out in my life, that would be ridiculous. Who do you think I am? But that in general, that in general in regards to relationship, in regards to like how I move and where, like just in some big things that I'm like, you know what, actually?

Bonnie (37:53.594)
Thank you.

doing good.

And I don't have to have everything figured out. And that my trust in the process and in other people and mostly in myself, myself in the process, the trust with myself and the process, that is huge.

Bonnie (38:29.762)
And so what can you be honest about, my friend? What can you be really honest about? What's something you need to be honest about? And I'm saying like, it can be small and it can be big.

But if you're gonna be a leader, if you want to be a leader, this could be a leader in your own home, this can be leader in front of a yoga class, this can be leader in a studio, this can be leader in something totally unrelated to yoga, right? If you wanna be a person who's like, oh, I'm gonna stand in my fucking own self and voice, and I'm gonna stand up in that and I'm not gonna apologize for myself, what do you need to be honest about?

Bonnie (39:18.296)
I'm, can you let yourself be honest about it? can put your hand on your own heart and say, hey, I'm actually, I'm not sure about this. And maybe the honesty is saying, I'm not sure. And you can own that. It doesn't mean you have to have a yes or a no. It means you can say like, I'm actually not sure. I'd be okay. Be okay claiming that.

Okay.

Bonnie (39:48.217)
Hmm.

Bonnie (39:53.773)
We

Bonnie (39:58.104)
We want to feel, I think all of us, a sense of foundation, of support, of safety, and of freedom.

Bonnie (40:12.897)
and of play.

Bonnie (40:16.984)
And those two things very much go hand in hand. And I think it is the combination of those things that make us feel free. I think it requires a deep trust. I think it requires ownership of our wants and needs. I think it requires a lot of honesty and being willing to be brave.

in the face of discomfort. And not be afraid. Be afraid in step anyway.

Bonnie (40:55.194)
Because I think if we do that and if we're clear, which is kind.

Bonnie (41:05.858)
And if we're not afraid to lean into our own hearts and sit with ourselves, I think when we do that, that big shifts happen in our own lives and in the lives of others that we touch. And I think that's what moves us. I think that when we are moved that others

are moved because again we can only give what we have.

Bonnie (41:42.138)
This is where I am. This is what I'm thinking about.

Bonnie (41:56.138)
and

Bonnie (42:02.292)
I just feel grateful for all of the ways.

Bonnie (42:10.294)
that I am invited into myself. And each of us have those in different ways, right?

And so whatever way that is asking you to pay more attention to your own heart, to become more awake, to come home to yourself outside of anybody, outside of anybody else, and that you're making the time for you, like whatever it is that's calling you and inviting you into that, I am so here to celebrate.

Bonnie (42:45.902)
Because this part, this portal...

The birth that it is creating is fucking glorious.

Mm. Mm.

Bonnie (43:07.77)
Thank you. Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for listening.

Bonnie (43:16.314)
Thanks for being a place for me to share what feels deeply important at the moment in an even here where there's like specifics and non specifics but lessons and hopefully some words.

Bonnie (43:39.212)
that are supportive to your journey and you claiming you.

Bonnie (43:47.066)
I again am not ending the podcast. I will continue to be here. I will continue to share and

Bonnie (44:00.748)
I hope you are truly wherever your feet are today. And if it is a hard day and a heavy day,

I hope you stay in it there too.

Bonnie (44:18.458)
Because knowing that everything changes, changes everything. I'm sending you love.