260 - Vulnerability in Leadership and Creative Expression

This conversation goes deep and wide! 

Today we talk about curiosity and bravery in personal growth. Womanhood and leadership. The roles sensuality and sexuality play in understanding ourselves. Navigating relationships and self-image. And the importance of embracing vulnerability through it all. 

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Listen to Bonnie's other podcast Sexy Sunday HERE

The music for this episode is Threads by The Light Meeting.
Produced by: Grey Tanner

Transcript

Bonnie (00:01.752)
Hello, my loves. I am delighted to be here and to give you a conversation that was sparked by another teacher. And it's somebody who I've worked with in flow school who has attended in-person flow school, which is magic. And as I'm recording this, the next in-person flow school is February 15th through 19th in Dallas, Texas, come.

Most people travel, come by yourself, come embrace the whole experience of expansion and play. But this person has been in flow school with me and is stepping into mentorship with me this next year for January through June. So mentorships are, the application is closed right now. But also just in conversation with this person, they've asked me.

as another woman and said, how do you embrace your woman-ness? Where you can confidently lead a room and feel comfortable in yourself to do that. And speaking to like the ownership of my body and the way that I feel about my body and the...

unapologetic sort of way that I step in and lead. And so I don't necessarily have any particular answers for you today. So if you're in your own space and why do I think this is part of Yoga Strong? Why do I think this is part of the practice of paying attention? Because everything is part of everything.

And if you are listening to this podcast, you're probably somebody who is interested in being a leader, in rippling the world in a way that makes an impact that you're proud of. And it's really hard to do that if you can't stand in yourself. And y'all is like, I am still in this journey. And perhaps it looks like I have things figured out. Perhaps it looks like I'm doing shit, which I am. And I am very much human and figuring things out at the same time.

Bonnie (02:21.132)
as I'm initiating and making moves on things. But today I wanna give you a conversation about how I embrace my womanness and how I...

feel like different pieces of my story have led me to the opportunity now to step into myself like I currently am. Knowing that I also have a lot of room for growth and for discovery of myself and how I will lead and all of the things, right? Because there's not actually an arrival. There's just a continual evolution of self. And so I think right off the bat,

I need to make sure that we're on the same page where you understand that I grew up in a culture, in the Mormon culture. And in the Mormon culture,

Well, it's very patriarchal, which seems very normal within religious institutions and organizations. But that's

Bonnie (03:35.626)
In that setting, from a very young age, there is the encouragement to stand up and to lead, to speak, every the first Sunday of every month is an opportunity to go up in front of the entire congregation and to bear your testimony. And you can literally get up there and say whatever you want. I mean, there's some recommendations of things like the things you're supposed to say to believe in and you know.

and then, but then other people say other things. It's sometimes gets really interesting. It actually is more, it's very exciting when it gets very interesting and people go on long tangents and stories and you're like, wow, they just said all those things, okay, cool. But it's just an open mic. It's literally an open mic to be like anybody who wants to go up there. And so you go up there as a kid and then even as a kid, you're assigned to give talks. And I remember being in high school and my high school boyfriend had become a member of the church and

there was a meeting of all men, there was like 300, 400 men, and they asked me as a 17 year old girl to go and give a talk on what I felt like was missionary work to me and stand up in front of this whole entire men's meeting. So I guess I'd want to say that because it is not new to me in my life to stand up in front of people and in front of people where I felt like I very much did not have

control and in those settings.

women don't necessarily have the last word. And in my own experience, like outside of yoga community and in the church, because I really only left the Mormon church like eight-ish, eight-ish years ago, nine-ish years ago, not very long ago. And that in my organizing and running the women's group in several congregations is the experience too where

Bonnie (05:30.582)
I had a vision for particular way that I felt like would be super helpful for the people that I was leading, for these women and conversations to have in ways to do things. And they were not always accepted, encouraged, and I was questioned in my feeling of why. And in some really frustrating sort of ways too, and untrusting ways.

just as a woman and that is really unfortunate. And also I am just gonna say all this because if I'm standing up and leading a yoga room for you to know that this is not my beginning, that my beginning comes from a long time ago and maybe there's other podcasts, other times you've heard me talk about this, but the Mormon faith and...

and believing as I did and being a part of that culture and community has given me amazing things. It truly has. There's some things that I have set down and I'm not a part of that religion and that culture anymore but I understand it and there's a lot of things I appreciate in my practice of holding myself and standing up. There's a lot of fear in all of the things. I can recall some really powerful fear moments where I have to stand up in front of people.

So those are really my beginnings. And this conversation is gonna go wild turns, because I'm gonna like take this towards sex and towards like competition and nudity and business. Like this conversation is all of these things. How do I embrace my womanness is also how do I embrace my humanness? Because I think like however you want to define it, but I do think there's a power to be like, I am a woman. I feel really proud of being a woman. I love being a woman. I love that.

I can have, you know, a lot of orgasms in a row, right? Great. Men, not so much, right? Like being a woman is great. Not that that's like the ultimate goal of being a woman. And also, hopefully you have headphones on, small children. And we're going to talk about all the things here today, but just because I think all of the parts of us come with us. When I work with yoga teachers,

Bonnie (07:50.208)
as leaders and really remember to like help them remember that when they become a yoga teacher that they become a leader. I really enjoy having a conversation around values and figuring out what our values are and using an exercise for that. And that's important to me because we don't ever change out our values for one situation to the next because we are that person. How do I arrive in the room is how you arrive in all the rooms, right?

And perhaps there's a different tone we might speak in one setting versus the other or different language you might use. I even think about how I text my kids is different than how I text other people where I might text other people like full sentences, like people my own age. And I like using punctuation in my text messaging, but my kids, they're like, what's with all the periods? Like why are you writing a sentence? And so...

I actually adapt my text messaging to my kids, but I'm still gonna be the same. I'm gonna use abbreviations and it's like instead of right now, I'm gonna use RN. I'm gonna meet them in their language too, but I am still gonna show up with the same values. And so I think that's important as part of the conversation as well that when I show up in a room, I'm gonna be my whole self and I have learned

over time by exposing myself a little bit at a time to doing something braver or different or something I wanted where it felt maybe uncomfortable and allowed myself to be seen and it was little bits at a time and sometimes I went forward and I was like what the and I went way back and I was like nope not yet because you don't know until you go there and so being brave enough to even try is huge.

My two values that I show up with try to show up with everywhere, right? Like this is my ultimate goal. It's like, I really, really value curiosity and bravery. And that first stems from me. And then any space that I'm in, I'm like, how can I help you be brave and curious? Because those pieces that leads to play, that leads to transformation, that leads to owning the hell out of your voice and your womanness and your manness and your themness, whatever it is you want to be. And it is...

Bonnie (10:13.962)
simply said, but it is not easy. And so

How have I done it? How am I sitting here in my skin and being like, okay, I'll stand up in front of the room. And even all of this said, right, I'm sitting here recording this podcast and okay, let's say like I released this and in a year from now, 10,000 people listen to this. would be actually, that doesn't really happen for this podcast yet. 10,000 people, we'll call it in.

And I'm thinking about how I just went to The Moth is a storytelling podcast and this American life. so just like story podcast, I went to a live show this week a couple of days ago and I came away from that thinking like, these are just random people who are telling stories and they get up and tell their stories without notes and they just stand on the stage and we just sit there and listen to stories and how important stories are.

And now they're being willing to tell their story. And I just sat there. I thought, what story is it? What I want to tell. And they talked about a calls for like, you can sell a two minute story here and a five minute story here and potentially then be part of the podcast or get on a stage. And I was like, my gosh, that sounds terrifying. And also I want to do it. And I find a lot of thrill out of leaning into the spaces that make me uncomfortable, but that I can see myself in and I would see a way that I can grow in that.

place and refine how I am doing the thing. I put this out there because yeah, put me on a TEDx stage and give me a storytelling stage. like, I want to figure that out. And also,

Bonnie (12:01.26)
Also, that sounds terrifying. And at the same time, maybe 10,000 people listen to this podcast. And what's the difference, you know? But there is a difference, but also it's the same. And so it's a little bit at a time. So here being on this podcast is a preparation for me to do something else. And so the same goes for any single one of us. There are so many little baby steps that are taken in order to embrace ourselves and own who

we are and what we want and the direction we want to go and that that is part of our strength we get to show up in a room with. That's part of the way we practice paying attention. Like, who am I? Because who you are and how you want to lead affects how you teach and how you interact with others and how you talk to yourself and what kind of permission you give yourself. So a couple of things.

some other pieces of my story. So I come from a warm background, I've had to like get up on, you know, speaking and all those things. And then even so with all of that, right? And, and sometimes you can be like, well, somebody else is there or somebody else is speaking in the room. How can I stand up in front of a room where I know there's so many powerful other people?

and be willing to share my voice. Cause I think sometimes it's that where we're like, wait, but like, I think I have something to share, but these other people have something to share. And if they're doing a thing and they're big in what they're doing, then how is there enough room for me to be big and do what I'm doing? And y'alls, I, it's exhausting. And it's also really real. And I'm really interested in being in rooms where my big invites your big. Be the biggest you possibly can.

And if I'm my most weird self and it invites you to be like, you know what? want to give myself permission to be my weird self. Like that is a win for you and for me. And that said, I even have had conversations with my sister. My sister and I are, are very different in some things. Then of course we're the same in some things. We came from the same womb. So like there's some beautiful things that we share and similarity. And then there's like some big differences. And I was talking to her recently and I said, you know what?

Bonnie (14:19.31)
I think sometimes it is hard for both of us because we both feel like we're not enough in different ways for each other. And so then there becomes like this feeling of competition of like, well, like you're really where I'm like, I think you're so cool in this way and this way. And I don't feel like I'm as cool in these ways. And so then I like hold back.

And then for her, she's like, I feel like I'm not cool in these other ways. So then I hold back because I feel like you're better than me in these ways. So we have like this weird posturing that we can do. And this is just for my sister and I who I love, love, love. And who we have a lot of, you know, really honest conversations where we're really interested in leaning into building a relationship. And it takes so many honest conversations and uncomfortable conversations. And I think that's part of figuring out how to own yourself is leaning into uncomfortable conversations.

It's so much a part of it. And it's so nice to be able to say these sorts of things out loud with her and to her to say like, we're both are just feeling like we're not enough in some different ways. And instead we can look at those ways that we are different as a gift and also recognize that we're not alone in that feeling to be like, hey, like I'm going to invite you in here. And I know that this is like a soft spot for you. And so how can we be honest and hold each other in that?

I want to say that just because there are times when I feel that because I know what gifts I show up in the world with. It doesn't mean I know all the gifts, like I know what I'm, I know some of the things that I'm showing up, but I know some of the ways that I am here to create an impact. And I'm also because of that, I'm aware of the ways that I am not. And I think in our path to self discovery,

We learn the things that we are here to give and how we can serve others. And at the same time that we pick up and think like, my gosh, this is amazing. And I think of human design and learning to build a language bank for words to use to describe my experience, which has landed really beautifully for me. And I'm excited for 2025 y'all is the year of play. And I'm to bring some human design into that. Hopefully cross my fingers. We're going to, I'm going to partner with my dear friend.

Bonnie (16:37.218)
Rocky Heron, so we'll table that for a future. in my discovery of myself, I can see the things that I have and the things that I do not have. The things that I am really strong in and the things that I have a lot of space to grow in. And so in that path of self discovery, it is so important to not belittle ourselves, but instead to befriend ourselves and say, hey, I see you. Hey, Bonnie.

I can talk to myself and like, hey Bonnie, I see you here. I see you here. And to hold those things where it feels a little bit tricky and sticky, like really tenderly. And that that is part of our experience of embracing our humanness, my womanness.

is being okay seeing those parts and then celebrating them in others. Y'alls, we have to celebrate it in others. And if we see something, if we see something in somebody else and we're like, ooh, like that has a feeling to it. Is it because we want to live in a certain sort of way that feels

that has a feeling to it, like, there's something there that that person has that feels like a thing and I want that thing. Cause I have definitely looked at people and thought them that like what's happening over here. I want more of that in my life. How can I find that in me and in my voice and in my experience, in my own personality and authenticity that it's not theirs, but it's me. And how can I step into my own bravery to like embrace that? Right. And how do I not belittle myself when something

isn't my thing and celebrate it instead in somebody else and let it not be a place of competition but a place of collaboration. All these things are growing places but I think this is part of embracing my womanness is that I do not have to be right and I do not have to have all the gifts and I do not have to serve every single person and another thing is I can ask for help.

Bonnie (18:54.426)
That has been a really big one for me as like I have ideas and I have things I want to birth and I cannot do them alone. And sometimes it is paying for help, a lot of times it's paying for help. And then sometimes there is no pay and there is an offer. And when I allow space for people to offer and then receive.

That's big. And so I think that is part of also embracing myself because if I have to receive, that means I have to let myself be seen. And part of...

part of the experience of embracing myself is allowing myself to be seen. And that is seen by others for sure and also being seen by myself. And it's the sound of my voice and what my body looks like and how I arrive in the world and when I don't do it well and when I do it well.

And so it's seeing myself and letting other people see me. And so I think, you know, there's no way to replicate my journey of self and for you to then be able to step into that and be like, okay, I will do all the things that Bonnie did and I will find myself. It doesn't work like that, right? Like that would be weird. And like, that's just not how life works. But there's some things that I've done.

that have been really transformative and not something that I think everybody would have done right? Did you grow up Mormon? Okay cool like or are you married for 16 years and then get divorced and have three kids like okay so that's definitely some strong pieces but another piece of this is I think so often about walking into the sex club

Bonnie (20:59.418)
I think about the way that I would be dressed in something that I felt real sexy in and I walk up to the front desk and I knew in my tall body, 5'9", I'm wearing heels, I'm wearing a short skirt, I'm gonna know that I'm going to check in, I'm gonna fold up my coat, stick it in the cubby and I'm gonna walk through the middle of that room.

that is full of eyes. I'm walk back to the bar and I'm gonna get a drink of water. And whenever I would walk into the sex club, and this was years ago when I was having this experience for the first time, I would have this moment, and I went there a lot of times, but I would have this time where I would be walking up the stairs and I would be like, okay. And I would do a little shake.

and I would have a little breathe, breathing moment. And I would put myself in myself, I'm not trying to escape, I'm not floating out of my body, I'm like in my body and I can feel my heart and I can feel my breath and I can feel like, attention but attention in like a, like like discomfort but comfort, like, okay, ready, let's like do this thing. And I would walk into the sex club and,

And a lot of people will have things to say about like the conversation of nudity and yoga and sexualizing things. And I am really here to say that we are animals. are animals and we are also people and we are also like, I can sit on the couch and be naked and read a book and it could be erotic to one person and totally normal and natural to another person. And I'm here to say it can be both and all at the same time.

Because we are sexual creatures, we are sexual beings, we are sexual, we are sexual. And so yes, and it's our body. Like it's literally just a body. So why not? Practice naked, practice in a bikini, practice in like, don't care, like it doesn't matter. And at the same time in this conversation, then is this conversation about your sensual self? Sensuality, sexuality,

Bonnie (23:29.548)
knowing or naming what you want, giving yourself permission. And that is part of owning your voice and it is part of my story. And I found that a lot of people who want to work with me want to be able to tap into this ownership from like the entire self. Like this is a whole self experience.

and finding this step into sensuality. And it does not mean that you have to walk into a sex club that is a place full of eyes, where there's a lot of consent of like, or like you have to have consent for things you have to like, and I'm, that I'm not here to talk about what the sex club is or what happened there or anything, but just my experience of even walking in there where a lot of people will watch you. And I knew that that was,

what it is, right? Like that's what it is. I don't think I knew before the first time, but then like subsequent times it really is like, this is a place of eyes. This is a place where you get a practice being seen. And it was fascinating to me to go there enough times to really feel like fairly comfortable and to be able to observe other people and just see people's body language where they're trying to hide and hold close and tight and where people can soften into the experience because it can be a lot.

And there's nothing that you have to go and do. You can just go and be. There's nothing you have to do there. But to be able to see body language and the way that we hold ourselves, the way we hold ourselves is so indicative of the way that we're feeling, because physical body and emotional body, they're connected. And so how we feel is going to impact the way that we stand, the way that we walk, the way that we like hold our body in conversation, the positions our body feels comfortable and in the moment, like,

Or like, and then we can also manipulate that a little bit and be like, I'm realizing I'm, I am like crouching and I'm sitting in this way. What happens? How do I feel if I stand up and I roll my shoulders back and I, and I like lift up through the crown of my head? How does that feel? And so you can use posture and body language to like actually help like inform your inner landscape and vice versa, right? Like this is why breath work can be really powerful. We can use our breath.

Bonnie (25:51.492)
to manipulate our experience, to expand our experience. It's the same way about movement. And so for me, part of my story of embracing myself is allowing myself to be seen. And that is at sex club, that's part of it. And it's also then about like conversations around relationships and saying, what do I want? And...

that can be something as large as, you know, something in the polyamory or open relationship plan. That can be something like a friendship. That can be like even me having a conversation recently with my lover where I was like, you know what I kind of want? And what kind of feels like a little nerve wracking to say because I don't want it to be taken the wrong way is I actually want to do some travel by myself. And I love traveling with you. And this doesn't mean that I don't want to travel with you. And it doesn't mean that

I wanna travel with other people, because I do, and I think that will be fun, but I'm saying actually just for me. This isn't like a road for me to like do other things or other people or whatever, but like this is literally just me. And I don't want you to feel left out. And that makes me feel like this is like uncomfortable for me to say, but I haven't done a lot of travel by myself in my life. I was married at 20 and I was a mom at like 21.

I was a mom at 22 and I was at home with my kids and I didn't do a lot of things besides be at home with them. And I am really grateful for that time and their dad traveled a lot and was able to go places and have different experiences and I didn't. And I've been separated and divorced, divorced, separated combination for the past now five years. So so much of

some of my growth has come in this timeframe and where now I'm like, okay, I've been partnered for most of my life and even post, you know, being with my ex, I've been with my current lover for almost four years and saying like, okay, I love time with you. I love the way we create and exist in the world. And I kind of just want to go have an adventure where I like go somewhere new in a city where I go like stay in the woods for a night. that like, that sounds...

Bonnie (28:13.37)
that sounds nice to me. And this does not have to sound nice to anybody, right? But just this idea of saying, what do I want? And then being brave enough to say the thing that I want. And that doesn't have anything to do necessarily with relationships in a way it does, because I'm like, hey, I'm going to peace out and go over here and do this thing. you know, my lover is going to be here and just like be here at home. And for me to be okay with that and to say it and to own it and then to like feel worried about

he is questioning why and then to hold that and say, nope, none of those reasons. And that happened where he was like, was this for this or this or this this? And I'm like, nope, this is literally just because I think it sounds fun to go have a solo time. And not everybody operates like that and that's totally fine. And to walk through that though to a place where I'm trying to hold myself, hold my own emotions, be like,

You can say these uncomfortable things. You can say what you want. You can say what you want. And when you do, and you give yourself permission to do that, there will be something to hold coming back to you. That might be you and yourself when you give yourself permission to do something and to want something and then to step towards it and be like, is this it? And maybe you'll walk backwards and be like, that's not it.

But there might also be conversations you have to walk into because of you saying what you want.

holding those softly and not judging yourself and trying not to take offense but staying curious and open and brave is a lot of the heart work that will come with it. And so it happens in little steps and little experiences where you start to try it on. So those are parts of like me standing where I'm standing and leading how I'm leading is

Bonnie (30:17.228)
allowing things to be birthed and to die, to have a cycle and to honor transitions and to let myself be seen in that process and to make sure I'm sharing. And that's an important piece for especially me is that I'm sharing where I'm at and what I'm feeling.

And I highly recommend human design. I really do. Another thing that I think helps me arrive and embrace myself and my womanness in a world that, you know, has really centered a lot of men is like, I don't even think about it. And I guess I really want to say it that way. I don't even.

think about me not having a place. I'm just kind of like, well, of course, like I'm here. And then even then I think about when I started traveling to teach retreats or not teach retreats, to lead workshops. And I had people that were inviting me and I was terrified. And I went to the other traveling yoga instructors, right? And they were all men. And I watched them and I was like, what am I doing? I can do this.

And had to give myself permission and I was terrified. And then I had to sit with like people who I was traveling to and they asked, well, why you? And I didn't like, couldn't escape the question. So I think it's also being willing to lean into like, you? And if you don't know the answer to stay and not try to escape from it, because it can be uncomfortable. Cause the road to like discover like, who am I today?

and who am I again today and who am I again today? Because every day we wake up, we're like, who am I? To where like now I can look back five years. The Bonnie five years ago actually just started Sexy Sunday Poetry Prompt five years ago. I was terrified to share this poem that I wrote that was sexy and I had been sharing poetry on my Carable Bonnie Instagram page and...

Bonnie (32:36.12)
Then when I got divorced, when my ex moved out and I had a sexy poem to share, then it would be known that it was not him that that poem was about. But also a poem doesn't have to be true. in my head, I was like, my gosh, people are going to know that I had sex. And how do I feel about that? And my mom and my brothers, how do I feel about this? Right? And so I...

didn't post this poem and I was just thinking about it. And then in December, I thought to myself on one Saturday morning, I was like, you know what? I have been thinking about this for this past like month, month and a half, and I have this poem I wanna share, and I'm gonna post it tomorrow. And it's not about asking anybody's permission, it's just like, I'm gonna post this poem. And...

For me, I know that if I am in a space where I feel like I have to ask for somebody's permission, that I am not ready to hold the thing. I need to be able to hold the thing without asking for anybody else's permission because then I know that it's true in me, that I can hold it, that I am willing to walk into the discomfort. somebody else can give their two cents, but they're not the one walking in holding the thing. I have to be able to hold it. What do I want? And how do I hold?

the consequence of sharing what I want. And I was like, you know what? I want to share this poem. And not only am I going to share this poem, but I'm going to invite everybody else to use this prompt, these first, these couple words, and to write a poem of their own. And thus, Sexy Sunday Poetry Prompt was born. I gave a weekly Sexy Sunday Poetry Prompt for about three years every Sunday.

And that was birthed by me giving myself permission to want to share and feeling terrified and then putting it out there and then giving space for other people to also share. Because if I was scared, maybe other people were scared to do it too. And maybe they just needed somebody to go first. And you know what? I'll go first. I'll go first. Like I'm okay with that. Like let me start it. Let me spark it. And like the gift, I have not been doing that for a while, but oof.

Bonnie (35:01.177)
This gives me feels, but the amount of people who found me during that time and who would write, and I have now separated my pages. I have a SexySundayWithBonnie Instagram page, and I don't do poetry prompts currently there, but I do share pictures or whatever I'm kind of in the mood for. It's like a play space for sure. But when I used to have them on CaratBall, my CaratBall Bonnie account, people would actually write their poems and post them in the comments, and it was...

beautiful and to hear from so many people about how they found something different in themselves just by keeping the self permission to write a couple words. Sometimes it's that big slash that small. Just a couple words. Write something you don't usually write about, about a subject or use words that you don't usually use and write it and it doesn't have to go anywhere. You don't have to share with anyone.

Sometimes just the writing of it is like a huge thing to like own yourself and to claim it.

Bonnie (36:09.934)
And that was the gift.

Bonnie (36:14.676)
And I think one of the other pieces, so thinking of business is, there are so many things y'all, I mean business and life in general, but where I don't feel 100 % ready to do a thing. And I just do it anyway.

Because we all know that if we say in three weeks I will do this thing. We will wait until the last day before that three weeks is up and then we will do it. We won't do it tomorrow. We have three weeks to do it, right? So if I have a deadline, if I say I'm gonna do the thing and I put it into motion, then I have to figure it out and I have to do it. And sometimes we hold on and wait and say, it's not ready yet. I don't know yet. I don't know. But there's enough knowing to know that you're like, no, there's a step to take. Like take a step. And what does that step look like?

And where can you like just get a little bit more information and move, move a little bit more forward so you have more information to say, do I want to keep stepping? Do I?

or not, and then like make it happen, make it happen. And there's different ways that all of us operate. And I really wanna make that clear right now too. And the more that I learn about myself, the more that I learn tools like human design to say like, all of us, we have a different internal voice. We process different, we have different definitions for things, different things are important to all of us. So I can't layer my experience and my thought process.

on anybody and expect that it is like the way. But I think it's the way because I'm stuck in my head just like, however you think about things, you're like, well, this is like the way we do things.

Bonnie (37:59.36)
We're good at like blanket statement, like making a blanket statement of like, you know, a whole community of people, but like we're all so different and we think about things so differently, like person to person and all the people you live with, even though you're like, we do it this way, but really it's a whole different thought process in each other's heads and we'll never know what it is. We'll never know what it is and how we process things and...

and what's important to us and how we discover ourselves. It's going to be an individual journey for each of us. And a lot of it is going to be leaning into uncomfortable conversations. lot of it's going to be like making small bites out, know, taking small bites towards something that you're like, I want this. And having a gradual exposure to the demand of that thing.

Right? What does that, if you participate in this thing, like what does it mean? Like, how are you going to be able to do the thing? And sometimes it's full sent. Like let's put it being a yoga teacher. If you want to be a yoga teacher, you're going to have to stand up in front of the room. Everybody's going to look at you. So let's go back to the being seen in the sex club for me, like everybody's going to look at you. Okay. They're going to be, you're going to be up at the front of the They're literally going to like follow you. They might stop moving. If you stop moving, they're going to listen to every word. You're the only one talking. How are you going to hold that? And

instead of like where that could feel really terrifying is like, actually, that's, I mean, it's it's a fuck ton of power, y'all. Like that's a lot of power. And how are we gonna honor that power? How are we gonna give them value for their time? They didn't, they didn't have to be there and they chose to be there. And that's a gift, cause you couldn't show up and practice your teaching if they weren't there. And how are you gonna allow yourself to step into a bit of confidence for their sakes and lead them?

and be with them, not speak at them, but be with them. And it's gonna be small doses of bravery of you being who you want to be and how you want to be and giving yourself permission to want and to do things that are a little bit uncomfortable and to make sure you take time to sit with it and ask questions about it.

Bonnie (40:25.326)
There's a lot here and there's a lot more and.

Bonnie (40:34.778)
Part of my story really does have a big piece in when I was in an open relationship before I was divorced.

how impactful that was for me to recognize the power of.

my physical self?

and let it meld with my internal self. And this is, I feel like this is a little bit of a nuanced conversation and it feels a little bit vulnerable to me.

Bonnie (41:15.108)
But I think as a mom and as somebody who had little kids, I...

wasn't, I wasn't feeling or felt like it was expressed to me very much like how much I was like sexy or like, but it doesn't even matter how much anybody else said anything to me, like how I felt about myself and like the way that I played or did not play with my clothes or the way that I arrived in the world or how I moved. And this is how yoga has

impact in my life too, really freed my movement. I didn't know how to dance before y'all. Yoga gave me enough structure because there's a structure to the practice then be able to like find a dance in it and find dance in myself where it's not yoga at all. It's just shaking my ass. And now I'm like trying to connect my brain to my butt and learn how to twerk. It's hard. But there was this freeing space in there and part of I think the...

The story is, you I was with somebody, I was with somebody while I was in an open relationship who earlier on,

Bonnie (42:35.13)
who didn't care that my body had had children.

And it feels like a story, like a thing I would talk about, and I have talked about it on my Sexy Sunday podcast, which I'm not making episodes for currently, or like the episodes way back on this podcast of Let's Talk About Sex that I did with my friend Taylor, that live here on Yoga Strong because it's part of being a human and as a part of the way we show up in the room. to me, being with this person where it sounds kind of dumb to me, but also really real that

My body had birthed three babies. like, is my body like exciting to be with outside of like the person that was the father of these children? And there was something about external validation to me from listening to this person who was a lover at the moment, where he gave me something that I didn't know that I was needing.

And I'm not telling you this because you need to open your relationship. Yeah, that is like, it's open relating and non-traditional relationships. That's interesting to me, but also like not for everybody. So I'm not saying that, but I am saying that the journey to seeing yourself, if you're a parent and if you've birthed, specifically if you've birthed children.

if you're a birthing parent, that there is a different experience with your body.

Bonnie (44:15.042)
that the journey to embracing it and letting it take up space and move in ways that you're like, ooh, is that too much? Ooh, is that sexual? Ooh, is that like making me feel turned on? Not even turned on like sex, but just like turned on, lit up, lit, like awake, alive. Like, is that allowed? Like, can that be me too? And what is being a mom? And so I think part of my journey of leadership and

showing up in this podcast and showing up in the front of a room at flow school and inviting people and saying like, y'all, I'm going to do a thing. And I'm definitely a hundred percent figuring it out as I go. But do you want to come and join me and being brave enough and curious enough to like stand up in the front of the room and do that is because of like all these little things along the way. And I know that if you're listening to this podcast, there is little things that you're like, Ooh, there's a thing for me. That would be hard. That would be tricky. I actually, I've touched that before and I figured that out. And I'm like this, like,

We all hold different stories about ourselves.

being willing to look at them and say, that true?

Bonnie (45:30.094)
And allowing part of your experience to say, you know what? This body is part of this experience. I think that's a really important piece. And just like the yoga practice is an inside practice, it's your head and your heart and how you meet yourself and how you have compassion for others and how we practice non-harm.

It's all of those things, but it's also our body because you can hold your body really small and you can hold your body really big. And we don't walk around in star pose, but y'all that feels something different when we stand in star pose versus we've crawl up in child's pose. It affects us. It affects us on like the parts of us that we can't see. So the body is important. And I think when we set it down like it isn't, I think we miss something.

On the path to sensual leadership, senses doesn't mean we're having sex. This means we're attuned in with our senses, all of it, our whole damn self. think we can't forget the body, because you're gonna stand up and you're gonna be seen. How can you stand in your body? And y'all, I have seen a lot of naked people. I really love leading projects of portrait work and I've done a lot of that with my lover where I have seen.

all different sorts of bodies. Fuck, they're beautiful.

Beautiful.

Bonnie (47:05.986)
I could, think there's this idea that you're like, okay, you're thin, you're whatever, like, my gosh, I have this role, I have this whatever here, and what's my ass doing here, and my arms are hanging here, and there's a lot of ways we can look at ourselves and say this side of my face instead of that.

or I don't like this about my hair. And that the befriending of our physical self doesn't mean we have to like, I don't know, doesn't mean we have to do anything. I'm not here to say you have to do a certain thing. I'm here to say that this has been part of my journey, is befriending my physical self and letting it be part of the story and that it's been a journey.

And it's still a journey and having pictures made of myself and my lover is an amazing photographer and being able to see myself from all angles where you don't have control when somebody else makes pictures of you. You're just, you're weird ass self. And I see myself in so many different ways than I never would have. And it has, it has changed me.

It has softened me. It has helped me embrace myself even more to be like that too. And so the gift of giving that to other people and to host portrait sessions of body celebration is so important to me because it's part of the experience of leadership and just owning the hell out of your voice. And that feels really impactful.

and kind of scary right like not everybody does that and I signed up to make to have nude pictures made of myself for the first time in the beginning of 2019. So I'm just you know for five years ago that was the first time and there was a woman who was here from locally but she was traveling from Australia and she's a photographer and her goal to

Bonnie (49:32.122)
photographed 10,000 nude women and she would host like this event where it was conversation and that she would make pictures and like she has her accent and she's you know hyping us up like as our individual sessions and it was so cool and it wasn't for anybody else but me. It wasn't a picture to share with anybody it was just because I wanted I wanted the experience. How can I just arrive at my body and

I mean, once everybody's naked, being naked is like the, it's not a thing. Like it's a thing, but it's not a thing. It's mostly like everything else becomes more interesting once you're naked. And it was individual sessions and we had a group session, a group picture. And that was the first time I was photographed nude. And maybe, maybe this is atypical of what you think of conversation about yoga and about leadership.

but it feels really honest and I didn't think I was sexy. Even if my partner at the time had told me like, I was like, yeah, but am I? And then to have experiences where I put myself in uncomfortable places where I was seen and to ask questions and to let myself have want.

to say what I wanted, to be honest about it, to hold the repercussions when I was not honest about it.

And to give myself permission to be in my body has been such an important piece of my own confidence building to lead a room.

Bonnie (51:14.542)
because you can touch this body. And because this body holds all of our emotions, all of the feelings, all of the thoughts, so it matters. It really matters. It also, the inside parts really matter. It's not like a one is better than. It's all of them are here and all of them get to play.

So give yourself permission. And this next year, I am calling this next year my year of play. And play is tricky because it can be a permission giving place, but then you also have to hold the consequence of giving yourself permission, which can be really beautiful and also really confronting, depending on what you're giving yourself permission to do, to say, or to be.

And I'm going to kick it off with the play experiment, is a month long, let's call it a challenge, month long experience of daily play prompts. Mostly with my friend Gray, and it's about having the courage to explore what makes you feel alive, because it's not going to look like my story. And I've shared a lot of things in this podcast, and there's a lot of tangents we could take and questions that perhaps you would have about some of these things.

Bonnie (52:39.322)
but it doesn't have to look like mine. And I don't want yours to look like mine because I want it to look like you and where you are. And you don't need to do the same things as me to find yourself. You're gonna have to do your things and figure out what makes you alive and ask some questions and do some brave things that feel brave to you and feel curious to you and figure out what that means. And I am so interested in

supporting that as part of the yoga journey and part of the leadership journey. And I love working with people because I am fairly vocal about these things. Like these are not new things that I've shared. I've shared them in other places and other times. But that if you're working with me, you know that like I'm coming with all these things. Like we're whole humans here. We are a whole self and all of you gets to be celebrated and belong.

And so working with people who also want to step into that for themselves and also lead excellent yoga classes or also just like own the hell out of voice, even in a group of friends, that's important. That's important. Your voice is important. Your stories are important. The way you show up in a room and impact others in your community in a way that elevates and amplifies them is important. Your body.

is important. Your celebration is important. The way your heart and head feel is important. The way you feel is important. Now we have a lot of questions we can ask about those things and be like, okay, well, what's happening here? And how do I talk to myself here? And what about this? And what's the definition of that? like, I mean, there's like all the weak of places, but you all get to belong.

And if I can be this self and if I could have made the choices I made to be here right now and you're listening to this, like you also get to choose.

Bonnie (54:52.514)
And you also get to embrace your humanness. Maybe it's your womanness also. And I am happy to be in this body. I'm happy to be this self. I'm happy to have chosen the places of discomfort because I like the person that I have become because of it.

I would choose it again.

Bonnie (55:25.913)
So.

Bonnie (55:29.988)
Let's do it y'all.

Bonnie (55:34.446)
Let's do the things and we do them together. Thank you for listening.

Bonnie (55:43.578)
Thank you for listening to my stories. if this, if all these shares like this smorgasbord really of experiences is sparking something in you that makes you want to stand up or take a step somewhere, that's amazing. And if you feel called to share with me, you can send me an email, hello at bonnieweeks.com or you can

Talk to me on Instagram at carrot underscore, carrot underscore bowl underscore Bonnie, carrot bowl Bonnie. Or if you want to post about this podcast, share it with other people so they can find it. Because really my hope is that we're all filled lit up and alive and awake and owning the hell out of voice. All of us that my big invites, your big invites, the next person big that we arrive in the room full of compassion and celebration. Like fuck, that sounds amazing.

Yes, please. So, share it. Let me know how you feel lit up and leave a podcast to review. Let other people know. It helps other people find words like this. Bite them into the party of like being their weird ourselves.

I love being here with you. Thank you for your time and attention and I hope you have a very lovely day.