237 - If You're in Your Own Way

Today we talk tools and mindset shifts to overcome self-doubt and take actions that move us toward what we want in life, while moving with a sense of experimentation and playfulness, and a willingness to embrace failure.

We also explore the power of using your voice, the value of repetition and observation in building confidence, and the shift from self-centeredness to focusing on serving others. 

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The music for this episode is Threads by The Light Meeting.
Produced by: Grey Tanner

Transcript

Bonnie (00:00.718)
Hmm. I have a question for you today. Are you in your own way? Are you in your own way? Meaning is there something that you want, something that you're excited to move forward towards, but you're terrified to? And so you're stuck and you're not moving.

And really, nobody else is stopping you. You are in your own way. Are you there? Are you there right now? This podcast today is gonna be for you if that is where you find yourself. And maybe the words that you say are that you're lacking confidence. Maybe.

And I think really it's about doing the brave thing. And I'm going to give you a couple stories and a couple journaling tools, some maybe different mindset to help guide you into stepping forward into doing the thing. And if you're here because you want to start a creative business or perhaps you want to step into teaching yoga or leading any sort of fitness class, and maybe you're here and.

you have something totally different, but you know it. Like inside, if you pause for a second, what's the thing you want to do? Where's the place you want to go? What do you want to get in your life? Like what is that direction? And where maybe you have been stalling out.

and not even for any particular valid reason. Like if all of a sudden you have just had a baby, like that's a valid reason for not starting a new thing right now. You have just had a child. If you have somebody you're taking care of that is ill, like that's a good reason to not be jumping into maybe something else right now because you have to, like we had to pay attention to our capacity. We can have all the best sort of intentions.

Bonnie (02:23.158)
And if we don't have the capacity and we don't have the time, we don't have the attention to give, then it's not going to work. I mean, this is the same way as thinking about relationship building. How many relationships can we hold? And non -monogamy, yeah, it can totally work, but are you like, are you at capacity already, right? So knowing where your capacity is and paying attention and ask yourself the question, am I in my own way?

Are you in your own way?

So let's talk about it.

If you are feeling like you're lacking confidence and really it's because you're terrified, will and really it's, it's some other questions that's underneath there, right? And so I like to think about, well, what are the questions? What are the questions that are underneath being terrified and not making the moves? Why are you not making moves? And is it because you don't know what to say? Is it because you're afraid to say the wrong thing? Is it because you're, you're

Not sure if you know enough. Are you not sure about the community? Are you like, do you feel like you're not gonna belong? We all wanna belong. And maybe you've tried a new thing in the past and it didn't feel like it went very well. I just wanna remind you that if you were trying a new thing, it is gonna be awkward. You are.

Bonnie (04:00.206)
have never done that thing before. And that's kind of part of the fun of it. Because you only get to be a noob at that thing for that one time. So it's gonna be awkward. And that's why it's really important to play with it and to let it be an experiment. And I use that word in so many places. I mean, that is actually how I talked with my lover.

The very first time that I spent the night at his house, I talked to him, I looked at him and I said, do you want to experiment being lovers? And so we call what we do an experiment. And he's my lover. So when I look at something as an experiment, then everything is a win.

I can try one thing and say, did that work? that didn't really work. Okay, cool. Noted. Okay, let's try another thing. that worked. Okay, cool. Noted. Do I want to keep going on that train or do I go back to the beginning and try another thing again? Or like, how do I step here and say, okay, now I'm going to start here with the experiment. And you just, you change, like it all changes when there's less attachment.

to a specific thing and it's all experimental. So if you're here and you are teaching a yoga class or perhaps you wanna step into yoga teaching and maybe you want to build some sort of business of your own. Entrepreneurship and solopreneurship is like a whole thing that, you know, I didn't even know that I would be able to talk about someday. Here we are. Like there's some work in it and.

There's a lot of nuance in it and you get to build the thing. And also, also there is a lot that you have to face for yourself the same as you do if you're going to step at the front of the room and teach.

Bonnie (06:02.222)
So it's all an experiment and you have to bring the playfulness to it because if not, then you're just gonna be a statue. You're just gonna be wherever it is, like you're gonna be at the front of the room, you're gonna be doing the damn thing, but you're gonna be frozen. And it makes me think about skateboarding. And if you have ever jumped on a pair of wheels, maybe you jumped on roller skates or...

roller blades or a skateboard before. And if you have ever stood in anything with wheels, oftentimes the most common thing is that people lock their knees, you get really straight and stiff in your body. And it's kind of like a reaction because you're pretty sure you're gonna die. So it's like you're trying not to move, but you make your whole body super stiff and straight, which is actually the hardest.

It's like the hardest thing to balance and to hold. Very much like getting upside down in a handstand. A straight up handstand is the hardest to hold. It's easier if you keep some legs bent. And it's the same on a pair of wheels. If you squat, if you let your knees be soft and you bend them a little bit, I just went paddle boarding totally sunburned myself accidentally this past week, but it's the same on the paddle board. If you were to stand on it,

and keep super stiff legs, it is really easy to fall off. You gotta, so one of the things I do actually, I get on my step paddle board and I set my feet wide and I stand up and I purposely, I'm not paddling anything, I just purposely start to bend my knees from side to side and I wiggle into it.

So once I wiggle into it, I'm like, that's what it feels like. That's what it feels like. You gotta learn how to move into it. Even when you're not sure how to hold it or what the whole experience is gonna be, you gotta wiggle in it. You gotta be like, okay, what does this feel like? It reminds me how yoga is like really just helping people learn how to fall, right? It's like, we gotta wiggle in it. Like, what does it mean to even be right here? Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. And let it be experimental. And let it be play, like lead with that.

Bonnie (08:18.478)
lead with questions and curiosity and like to do the thing, right? Okay, so if you find yourself in this place, and if you're feeling stiff as a board on this pair of wheels of doing whatever the thing is that is calling you that you feel inside of your body is the place for you to step, but you're feeling terrified and frozen, then here's a journal prompt for you. This is adopted from Marie Forleo, who does awesome things in the world.

But the general prompt for you is to ask yourself, what's the best that can happen?

What's the best that can happen? And then you're gonna say, next journal prompt, and then what? Because it's not gonna be the end, even if the best thing happens, like life is gonna continue. So what, then what? And now you're gonna say, well, what's the worst that could happen? That's your third question. Fourth question, so this is four questions for you to journal on. Fourth question is, and then what?

because you're gonna keep going. So if you're in your own way right now, I want you to take a little pause moment and journal that out. What's the best that could happen? If you take that step forward into doing that thing, what's the best thing that could come from it? And then what? What are you gonna do with that best thing that happens? And then what's the worst that could happen? And then what? What are you gonna do with that? How are you gonna keep moving? Because you're gonna keep moving, right? And remember that as you keep moving,

You are going to be a new, but this is probably something that you haven't done before, which is why you're feeling like you're lacking confidence. And you know, I talk a lot about owning your voice and that's exactly what this is. And oftentimes, because we're stepping into new places, we're going to have to use our literal voice. And here you're listening to this podcast where it is my literal voice and it can feel scary. And you might be a new.

Bonnie (10:20.526)
And I like just saying the word noob, you're a newbie, you're like figuring shit out. And it's not easy. And if it's something in public, then people might watch you fail. They might watch you fail. And gosh, it reminds me of one person who I worked with a bit ago and...

I remember he had his Instagram account was private, but the bio, like what he had written on the top of his Instagram page had something to the effect of, and I wasn't following him, but I went to his page and I read his quote and it said something like, deciding to do things so big that everybody can see you even if you fail. And,

the audacity of that, you know? Like I didn't say audacity, but I'm just at this moment thinking the audacity of that to call it in, say, what do you want? And figure out what you want, damn, that's like a whole thing. But if you're like, what's the one step, what's just one small step that you can take that moves you forward, doesn't burn you out and gives you more information if that's the step, right? And there can be literal skills and tools and a craft that you need to hone to be able to step into this place.

And maybe you'll move a little bit forward and think, my gosh, I am so ill -prepared. This is not where I need to be. I need some more support. Then please get some more support. If you just go back by yourself and you do nothing else, you reach nowhere else, like you don't reach out, that is still then like, this is the and then what, right? So you step forward as a thing, you figure out that, you know, it's not for you or like that you need some more support. And then what?

Like, do you really want to keep moving or do you set it down? Right? So like having that conversation. but there is a boldness and I do want to acknowledge this. There's a boldness to putting yourself out there and audacity to say like, I am here and I'm going to do a thing and to claim yourself worthy of doing the thing and of having that attention or the time that somebody might put into you for you to show up.

Bonnie (12:49.006)
And there's a wide variety of experiences that we all have where maybe that feels a little bit uncomfortable. And that's okay. We can still do it. We can still do it.

Bonnie (13:05.422)
When you are going into these spaces and perhaps feeling a little bit less confident to be there, sometimes you might talk really quickly. And it feels important for me to talk about using your voice and it feels important to talk about using your voice when you are going into these new kind of spaces because...

The odds are fairly high that you're going to have to unless it is something like a dance performance where it's going to be your body as your form of expression or maybe it's something that you are showing that you are capable of doing that's not necessarily using your voice, but the odds are still high that even if you are showcasing something you are capable of doing,

that you will need to use your voice to describe your thing that you're presenting and yourself. And sometimes when we go into spaces where we are using our voice that are new spaces that we're not so sure about yet and we're feeling a little bit less confident in and we're feeling like we're in our own way, sometimes we start talking really fast and we forget to breathe and we start talking over ourselves and when we start talking about over ourselves, we start to repeat ourselves and then...

gets to be a lot.

And I've had a lot of speaking experiences because I grew up in the Mormon church where people are assigned to give talks and we're assigned to give talks for the time that we are, I don't know, three years old. It's our parents walking up to the pulpit with us and whispering in our ear the things that we have to say into the microphone. And, you know, three year olds talking in microphones is really just a lot of breathiness. Hello!

Bonnie (15:02.478)
gosh, sometimes it's cute and sometimes it's annoying. But I've had a bit of experience and I can think of some very specific times where it was pretty terrifying. And I felt lightheaded. Gosh, that makes me think about being a student of playing the piano.

and we would go to our piano recitals. And I remember thinking I was gonna pass out as I was playing my piano piece up in front of everybody and feeling so overwhelmed and nervous and lightheaded, just so lightheaded, but I wasn't breathing. So I want to remind you, so a tool for you as you step forward, because now you're gonna do this writing exercise. What's the...

best that could happen and then what's the worst that can happen and then what? You're gonna remember that perfect is boring and that it's okay to be awkward, right? And you're gonna step in and have to own your voice. When you go in to speak to whoever it is you're gonna speak to, remember to breathe and say that to yourself. Remember to breathe.

Remember to breathe. Because if you can slow down the words that you're saying and take a breath between, you are gonna feel more grounded in yourself. You're not hopefully gonna feel lightheaded. We're not holding our breath. We're not just creating a slow down of speech where you talk.

Bonnie (16:41.326)
and then you just hold your breath. It has a way to slow down, so we're not here to hold our breath, but to just slow down what you're saying so that you can breathe. And sometimes when you slow down what you're saying, then you're gonna find a little bit more of a captivated audience. And then you can play with the tone of your voice, you can play with the speed of your voice, and sometimes you can speak a little bit louder and you get a little bit faster and then you pause.

I say pay attention. And then you launch into something else. And so the tone of your voice, how high pitched, how low pitched it is, the pace at which you talk, if you go past, talk a little bit faster and then you back it off and talk a little bit slower. These things create a whole texture in the experience of you and of your voice and can be really helpful for you to remember to breathe.

and help those people that are paying attention to you in that moment who are present with you to really lean in and actually absorb what it is you have to say. So remember to tell yourself, slow down, remember to breathe. Yeah, so we're slowing down on purpose. And then a note here on...

Bonnie (18:06.958)
This might all sound good, right?

but it's still all about you. So perhaps reframing this idea to say, well, what happens if I don't make this about me? What if it's not about me being in my own way and me lacking confidence and what do I have to offer and will they like me? Right, that's all centering myself. What happens when instead I decide to center the other people and I say, what don't they get?

if I don't show up? What are they losing out on? What do they need? How can I serve them? What does support look like when I show up in the room with them today? It changes the story and it can help you get out of your own way because now it's not about you. Now it's about the people and the process that you're showing up to help facilitate.

It's something that moves through you. And I love Liz Gilbert and her talks on creativity and her book, Big Magic, totally recommend that if you have not read it. And the way that she talks about ideas wanting to be birthed and to move through people. An idea can be the way that if I'm in a yoga class, the way that I might speak to a certain situation or a way to move.

the particular sort of joy or storytelling I might bring to an experience and it can look like a billion other things too.

Bonnie (19:51.534)
And so for me, I have found when I make it about what others need and want, then it helps me get out of my own way. When I have taught yoga and have felt a little bit overwhelmed, I've taken myself into the bathroom, closed the stall door, have a little moment with myself. And I have said out loud, Bonnie.

What do these people need? And I said, these people, they want to move and breathe and rest. Those three things. That's all they want to move and breathe and rest. And you can do that. Do a little pep talk for yourself. It's not about how eloquent I can be. It is how clear I can be in my, in my queuing.

It is how I hold a room with a bit of confidence. There is confidence in that where if you're like, I'm in this room, I am going to hold this room, but it's not holding it for me. It's about holding it for them. It's about creating an experience. It's not just the sequence and it's not just the music and it's not just the heat and it's not just the particular name of the studio and that particular class and what time that is being hosted at.

It is the experience of all of the things woven together. That is what I want to offer. And there's a certain sort of presence that is demanded if you want to create an experience where people can really land in it and feel like they can trust you to guide them. But it's not something that will probably happen overnight. It's gonna require you to have repetition.

And the cool thing about repetition is that is going to give you confidence that you know what the hell you're doing. So let's say you are trying to figure out how to cue a warrior to, to Chaturanga. Let's just pick something easy here. Warrior to, to Chaturanga, which is a pushup. Warrior to, to a pushup, right? Chaturanga.

Bonnie (22:16.558)
You will not be able to cue that very well if you only ever do it once. Can you imagine, especially if you're a yoga teacher, if you only, only ever taught that one time, how good of a teacher are you going to be at helping others really learn how to do it? Not just to like tell them what to do, but really teach them what to do.

You're not going to be able to, you're not going to feel very confident in your ability to do that. They are not going to know how to do it because you haven't practiced enough times and watch them to say, Ooh, did that even make sense? Why I need to say this instead of that, or I need to add this here, or I don't even need to say that. That doesn't even make any sense. So you're going to learn as you observe.

You're going to learn as you give yourself experience to be in the room. You're going to learn as you repeat these experience, as you repeat these experience in the classroom. And if it's not in the classroom, if the thing that's you're going after is somewhere else in the world, cool, like same, same Z's, right? And the other cool part is when you show up with other people, you're going to start to get some social proof.

where other people can give you feedback, doesn't necessarily mean that you're soliciting it, but that they will say things, that you'll build relationships with people. And it starts to sometimes become less scary when you're like, these are just people. It's just people. And it reminds me of the book, Dare to Lead by Brene Brown. And at the beginning of that book, she talks about how she's gonna be going on stage and she was feeling really nervous. And...

of explains the situation of looking out of the crowd and there's a whole bunch of people in suits and I was feeling overwhelming and then somebody came up to her who she knew and she didn't expect that and then she looked out in the audience and she started seeing other people that she knew and then she started humanizing them and saying that person they're dealing with that in their life and that person is dealing with that in their life and these are just people.

Bonnie (24:31.502)
I'm sure it says people, people, people. And y 'all.

That's what I do. That's what I do. And when I think about here on the podcast, right? Like you're listening to this podcast, you and I are together in this moment and somebody else could be listening to this podcast at the exact same time. I don't know if I've ever even said that phrase in this podcast and now it's giving me the fills. There could be several of us here in podcast land pressing play at the same time.

from all over the world. And we're all just people. And humanizing each other to say, we're just people, people, people. It makes it a softer landing. They're real people just like you. Just like you. And you have a very particular way, an authentic way of being in the world that can't be replicated. The same for me.

We don't need more of me. We don't need more of you. We just need you. We just need me.

Bonnie (25:42.798)
So I like to think about this even for myself and thinking about the number of people that have decided to be here with me on the podcast or in social media and where I could look at numbers and think, my gosh, like how do I even hold this? What is, like what does this even mean? And I just think like, it's just, we're regular ass humans. We're just people. We're people holding all different sorts of experiences and trying to figure out our life on the daily.

And that makes it so much easier to show up because I don't have anything to prove. I'm just going to show up and be my best self and be willing to experiment, which means I'm also willing to mess it up and to not get it right and ask for help and to say no sometimes when I've said, yes, it's those things too.

Hmm. So, thinking back.

Bonnie (26:47.406)
What is a thing that you want to step into, but you're feeling a little bit nervous, maybe feeling like you're lacking confidence? And what is one thing that you can do to help yourself move forward? Not necessarily burnout, right? Depending on the thing. Not to overcommit, but just move forward to gain more information. What is that thing?

journal prompted out what's the best and then what's the worst and then what, journal that out, reach out to somebody else, right? If that is helpful, reach out to somebody else. You can get support. And if you're just looking to say like, I just feel like I need permission, right? Which is so fair. I think we, I mean, I land in that in my own life in different ways.

and definitely have in the past. And I think I feel most permission in my life by watching other people do the things that light them up. And it's not that they're purposely saying like, everybody has permission. It's more like I watch people and I say, if that person's doing it and they're going after the things.

that are making them excited to be alive and that are serving other people and creating something that exists in the world that elevates us all, then I should do my thing. Right? So permission granted, permission granted. I am living my best life. I am able to record this podcast and talk to you about how to help you get out of your own way because you know what? What you have to offer.

Somebody else doesn't have to offer in the way that you have it to offer.

Bonnie (28:40.174)
And there is this mixture of where you are both needed, but it's not all about you. And it's about how you will interact with the people around you because we build these experiences together. And there's a certain way that you look at the world and experiences that you've had that the way that those have mixed together inside of you and how you will deliver them is going to be so impactful.

Bonnie (29:09.806)
I want to hear about it. I want to hear about it. So an experience of using your voice, if you're listening to this podcast and you know the thing, drop me a note. Maybe you post it, post it, post it on Instagram, post it in your stories and I'll see it. Or send me a DM on Instagram at carrot underscore Bonnie underscore carrot underscore bowl underscore Bonnie, or email me at hello at bonnieweeks .com.

Message me, tell me the thing that you're taking the step forward towards. I would love to hear about it. And if you know somebody else and you've been having a conversation with your friend and they're like, my gosh, like what should I do? Send this podcast to them. Do the brave thing. Tell them to do the brave thing. Like hell yes, go try it on. Send this to them, yeah? Okay friends, I'm excited to hear about it. If you're in your own way.

permission granted to get out.